I must be some kind of cretin or simpleton because I have the fortune of misfortune despite my advantages and skills. Blame it on geography, logistics or timing. I literally do not work. Despite my efforts and my skills I have only obtained a Job working with a major retailer, only part time. How do I spend my days, thankfully I do not spend them in a negative way. My standards are to high. I am not given to drink, or drugs. How do I spend my days – applying for employment, sitting in libraries, cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, being with my kids, taking care of my wife. Taking responsibility where I can and should during this time.
Yet, I sit in this library with the homeless, the retired and the disabled looking out the window and I feel like I have a great life. Despite all the challenges and the financial struggles, take all of the money problems away and I have a life of a privileged individual, to lounge in libraries, to read and to write, to make simple actions and to serve my family. Now I am truly some kind of social misfit who cannot find long term success or I am some kind of idiot savant. Do I not posses a sense of urgency? – yes I do in fact. I apply and interview and put my best self forward and attempt to adapt. Why am I so fearless in the face of impending doom? why have I not found full time employment that serves the true costs of my family?
Am I aiming to high? – was it ridiculous to apply to be a probation officer, or to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate, or to test to be a corrections officer? Was it absurd to apply to be the director of the SNAP program for McLean County? – that was a long shot. Where do I draw the line between a Job I can get and need between a career I want and think I deserve? Well right now I am working 12 hours a week as a retail clerk, this is $12.50 an hour. I have a bachelors degree in political science, I have 5 years of professional experience in the fields of education and social work.
Who the hell am I? culture and the economy informs me that I am a potential failure. Unable to provide financially, unable to obtain a lasting career. At home I am loved by my daughters and wife, I give to them I love them. Who am I? I guess I am a modern man. look how we have changed. Look how far we have come from our roots to present and now modernity places me at the end of the economy, filling the shelves of the products that are made, planned and organized by others at the head of the economy. Literally at the end of the food chain.
What has this taught me? – I am not special, I am not exceptional, I do not poses anything that makes me inherently above anyone or anything. In fact if I take a hard look at myself I am worthy of only the most basic, menial task and the lowest pay. My arrogance and sense of superiority has failed me and my family I appear a laughing stock sitting among the elderly, the homeless, the disabled at the library typing on my key board as if my words are worth anything.
I have shamed my family and myself.